WRITING TASK 2 (EVALUATION 1)

Some experts say that parents need extra time to take care of their children in the early age because because teaching good manner to a child should be started in their early life. It is important for children to learn the difference of good and bad that the ability to distinguish them needs to be included in their education. Sometimes, parents use punishment to help them understand that good deeds will be rewarded while misconduct will have some consequences. Some people believe that the use of punishment in children moral education is necessary, but I personally disagree because punishment gives more negative impact on children.
Punishment can be beneficial in some ways if parents know how to use it wisely for the sake of education. For example, if parents punish their children right after doing bad things, the children will tend to remember that certain actions or sayings will have the same consequences in the future. They will automatically will watch their manner because they realize what they did when getting the first punishment was a wrong doing. Most parents generally have this kind of mindset that they will always use the same method to prevent their children from doing something wrong.
However, the positive and negative impacts of the use of punishment are like the two sides of a coin. The use of punishment also has some negative impacts on children that parents may need to consider using it when educating their children. First, coercion in terms of punishment tend to form a mindset that every issue can be resolved by means of violence. There have been many examples of children bullying their friends at school or even physically harass their mates and this is one of the results of the use of coercion in education, especially the physical one. This happens because parents are the first role model for children, that parents need to start resolving problems by using more persuasive approaches. Furthermore, the use of punishment in education will also negatively affect children's psychological condition in a way that they may feel afraid of taking actions because of the consequences that they have to take. This, in turn, will make them less decisive, less creative, and has no sense of responsibility to initiate something by themselves. In conclusion, punishment can still be used at certain level but parents still have to consider the impact of such method on their children. Parents need to use the persuasive approach first before deciding what punishment should be applied for their children's wrong doings.

Correction:
Arrangement of Ideas
There is no basis of argument in the original writing
There is no conclusion and solution at the end of the writing

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Grammar
Infinitive verb after to
The rule of number, hence Some experts say, bukan some expert say
The use of correct pronoun. Parents adalah bentuk plural, kata ganti kepunyaannya harusnya "their"
Making a stative verb, Punishment is really helful, bukan punishment is really helping
Infinitive after modal, modal harus selalu diikuti kata kerja infinitive, jadi, would trigger, bukan would triggering
Subject verb agreement There's alot of cases, harusnya there are many cases

Suggestions:
Expand vocabulary by paraphrasing the word or making paraphrase inventory
punishment, coercion
behaviour, manner, conduct
bad, inappropriate, misconduct


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